It’s done…

I received the call this morning. She finally went home.

I wish it would not have taken this long, but I am relieved she is finally at peace.

At the same time, she lived on almost 30 years of borrowed time. The doctors told her that she wouldn’t live long enough to see me turn 2 years old. I turned 30 this year, and spent the day with her. The memories she gave me, the things she taught me, they all added up to one great foundation of life for me…and I will forever be grateful to her. I wouldn’t have this feisty independent spirit without her.

For all those who have held my family in your thoughts and prayers…thank you.

Wishing for the end…

Grief is difficult. It is most difficult for me now, because the end is not here yet, and I am begging for it to arrive now.

She has lived a long and full life. She is ready to go. Why won’t He just take her now?

If I am totally honest, I am angry with Him. Angry that it has taken this long, that she continues to suffer for what seems like no purpose at all.

I said my good byes. No more “See you soon”. I had to let her know that it was okay to go.

She can’t hear anymore. I do not know if she understood. But I had to say it.

I had to say that and so many other things.

I honestly thought she might be gone by the time I got there.

She was still there. Her shell anyway.

I thought that if I told her what I needed to say, and my Dad told her it was okay to go too, that she might slip off right then and there.

She is still here.

Why?

Train wrecks and such…

Ever feel like a train wreck? Ever feel like you look like one to EVERYONE? I totally had one of those weeks.

Back story: I tend to overextend myself. I “go go go” and “schedule schedule schedule” myself to death. I think “I can handle it” until I can’t anymore. Eventually something breaks down and stops me in my tracks. Why do I do this? I don’t know. I like having stuff to do. I feel lazy if I’m just hanging out. Anyway, back to the train wreck…

So let’s recap events leading up to train wreck:

I traveled one weekend for a girl’s only retreat...and experienced way too much estrogen, not enough sleep and overloaded my brain with way too much girly creativity. I was truly craving a beer and some football by Sunday.

I followed up said weekend with intense week of work prior to a long awaited vacation to Napa.

Napa – how bad could that be? You are right, it was wonderful. All the excellent and copious amounts of wine, lovely scenery and the best food to nosh till your tummy is either content or in a coma…it’s all wonderful. The only problem was I traveled with morning people. I’m not a morning person in any sense of the phrase. They got up every morning at 6 am! God love ‘em, I tried to adapt but my clock just couldn’t adjust. Sadly, I’m not the heavy sleeper I once was, so I woke up with them. Combine that with tossing and turning during the night, and hitting the treadmill by 7 am each day, and you aren’t so rejuvenated anymore. Overall it was still wonderful, but what I needed when I got home was to be home to rest up. And that was going to have to wait.

Cut to Thanksgiving Eve.

I fly home the night before from San Fran, run by the grocery story to pick up all the items for the kick booty relish tray. Side story: I luck out since I’m not married yet and get assigned small dishes like the relish tray. But the overachiever in me decides it has to be the best freaking relish tray ever so I spend a good 30 min in Market Street picking out all kinds of fancy relishes and such. This is stupid because they probably won’t know what half of this stuff is. I know… I am weird. No comments necessary.

Anyway, time to head to family-ville for some National Lampoon’s style antics. The actual family holiday was surprisingly absent of conflict or super high emotions. That was a nice change…

Cut to that night…start feeling sickly, throat hurts, head hurts, hoping the flu is not around the corner for me. To be honest I felt this way the last night of the vacation, but I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.

I think the way we handle sickness has a lot to do with how we were treated as kids. I remember if I had a fever I was cleared to stay home, but allergies? Heck no. Get up and get over it. Okay maybe not that harsh, but you get my point. I learned to wear it. Anyway, I down all the OTC stuff I can get my hands on to try and get better. I have another trip coming up.

At least I go home on Saturday to try and recoup, but I spend the majority of the time not resting so when my trip on Tuesday comes up, I’m so not prepared for what’s about to happen.

I fly in that a.m. and nearly miss my flight which is always a good way to start a trip. Heads up AA has cut their flight schedules so much even the platinum lines at security are super long…

Anyway, I make it on the flight and apparently pick up something that will completely sideline me.

I’m in my boss’s office working on presentation when I mention it looks like a blood vessel popped in my eye. She mentions pink eye. I cringe. I’ve never had that before. Surely this is not pink eye. I worry. I try not to think about it. I worry again. Repeat.

We are taking the customer to dinner. I have to go. I am worried I will infect them. This yucky puss like mess is accumulating in my eye and I’m trying to be discrete so I don’t offend or cause involuntary vomiting on the part of my colleagues at dinner. I succeed and make it back to my hotel room where I pull the contact lens out of my eye to discover my entire eye is red and the puss is coming out in record time now. So freaking gross!

Next a.m. – my right eye is swollen completely shut. I call our medical group. They can see me – thank goodness. My lovely boss convinces me to let her drive me around. Lesson learned: I need to stop being so damn independent and learn to accept help. I was prepared to drive myself around with one eye’s worth of vision while I felt like crap and didn’t know where I was going. Brilliant!

Cut to medical – severe case of sinusitis and the pink eye I thought I had might be more emergent than regular pink eye so I need to go see a specialist so I don’t go blind or something awful like that. TRAIN WRECK! Oh and the fluid that’s in my ears – we need to get that drained or your ear drums might pop on the flight home. Lovely!

The good news is I didn’t have that awful other thing, and my official diagnosis was allergic conjunctivitis but I’m pretty damned pissed that allergies are now doing this to me. First it was dermatitis that made me look like I was on the receiving end of a nice right and left hook, and now this! Enough is enough!

I also realized I’m a bit vain. I can’t wear any eye makeup or my contacts and I have to go out and see people. This is horrible. It’s horrible that this is that horrible to me. I really need to get over that issue.

Things I learned this week…

1. It sucks to have your credit card information stolen. It would be worse if my whole identity was stolen, so I have something to be thankful for in the midst of filling out all these forms that require my DNA.

2. Life is best with a large dose of humor. I forget to just relax from time to time. Yes, I’m present…Ms. High Strung. I remembered that as I laughed so hard today my ribs hurt. They need to invent a concoction that allows for instant relaxation. I think at present it is called wine, but I am looking for wine 4.0.

3. Other people at my office know about that covert affair I blogged about weeks ago. Hmmm…word travels fast. But not from these lips. Vault – locked down.

4. My neighbor is a life saver. He saved me from a fire ant infestation today. I am allergic to those pesky things. C-a-n-n-o-t-b-r-e-a-t-h….. (back-story – stung about 18 months ago….airway closed. Scary ordeal!)

5. I leave for the adult version of Disneyland (read Napa) in 8 days!!!! I am so excited.

6. That Jason Mraz song "I'm yours" keeps stalking me. I wonder why?

Cheers!

Chubby Blonde Cucumbers

Funny name isn’t it? Chubby Blonde Cucumbers...up until this weekend I had never heard of them. And for all my friends with their minds in the gutter, this is apparently a legit vegetable. I went with some cherished girlfriends to Austin for some more birthday celebrating. Yes, yes, I know I love the spotlight in October. I am quite comfortable with it for this one month of the year. As for the other eleven months I am quite content to hang back, but during this month I eat up all the attention and the “all about me” moments that seem to surround me. I have the best the friends and family. They are really good at keeping that spotlight focused, on and sparkly.

Anyway, back to my point. We are at this cool “international slow food movement” type of quaint restaurant, and there they are…jumping off the menu practically exclaiming “Look at me – I’m a cute name for a vegetable: Chubby blonde cucumbers!” I declared then and there – so shall the next blog post be named.

One cannot simply change course after such a proclamation. It would offend the locally grown produce, and we just can’t have that, now can we?

Silly blog post I know. I am feeling a little silly tonight. I think it’s due to the running. Running makes me giddy. I was never one to have a desire or knack for running. Without proper motivation, running just seems too pointless. At least the old version of me, the pre-runner me, thought that with fervent passion. I probably thought that because I was absolutely horrible at it, and well if I’m horrible at it – it must be no good right?

Turns out I am not all that bad. I actually experienced a runner’s high recently. I used to think that was an urban myth. Not so apparently.

I know…this blog post has no point. I’m well aware of that

Sometimes it’s nice to drift – without a plan, a course or map. Winging it.

I actually have a lot to say…can’t quite put it all into words yet. Will soon enough. Bet it’ll be under an anonymous blog though… way too many of you know me WAY too well. I need to confuse some other readers and spread the perplexed looks.

Cheers!

Random facts for today

1. When you go to a happy hour in honor of your birthday with old work friends - and by old I mean you worked with them years ago - you feel old when you get there. I am not old by the way. This age thing just happened to me. I do not know why. Must figure that out.

2. Birthdays are significant. They mark the passing of time. They are a good measurement for growth, accomplishments, wisdom, and sadly wrinkles. What the hell is that all about anyway? Seriously.

3. All of my friends who have turned 30 have very proudly told me this is the age where you mellow out and stop caring about all the little things in life that were once devastating and so dramatic. I find myself trying to exercise "thirties" maturity. I'm going to let you in on a secret though - sometimes I still feel like acting like a 4 year old and saying "because I want it that way" and wishing that would just be enough for everyone involved. Not very mature huh? Yeah I know. Like I said I'm practicing. One day I'll be good at this.

4. I saw that woman today that I heard had the affair with the married guy. Couldn't even get close for fear of a slip of the tongue. Funny that's exactly what happened to her! :)

So this weekend, we are having NAD round two. NAD stands for National Amber Day. It's a glorious round of days dedicated to me. Can you tell I like attention? I'm a nurturer by nature, so I like the part when people dote on me for long periods of time. NAD is a fun day. Mostly because it's a good excuse to get together with friends and family and enjoy the moment. We are going to do some fun stuff. Maybe you'll get lucky and I will blog about it and **** maybe post pictures!!!! :)

Cheers!

Life changing moments….

Today, on my 30th birthday, I experienced one. While this may not sound like the most fun thing to do on such a big birthday, I spent the day on the grandparent tour of a little town in Texas. GP Tour 08 is what I’m calling it. Seriously though, I had not been to my hometown in so long. I actually could not remember the last time I sat down and asked my Papa how he was doing and had the time to take it all in. I am pretty sure the last time I told my Nana “I love you the goodest” was around Mother’s Day. She and I made up words back in the day and we still use them to this day. It is our code – just between the two of us. We always say goodbye this way, but these days we do not say goodbye any more. We say, “I’ll see you soon”. She doesn’t say it anymore, but I see it in her eyes. “See you soon”…those words are so much easier to say than goodbye. Goodbye sounds so final. She is barely hanging on these days. She sleeps so often. Her hearing is all but gone, and getting her to speak to you is very difficult. This woman, this unbelievably strong, dedicated, God-fearing, humble woman is one of the biggest influences of my life. While I see her less and less as I grow older, the memories I have of her touch me like they just happened yesterday.

She shaped the person I have become. Her influence and the bond we share simply bypass generations and time. I have a lump in my throat now just thinking about her. She is so fragile and still so full of emotion and love. Sadly, pain fills her too.

Today I showed her pictures of my new house on my laptop. Since she cannot hear, my Dad wrote down on white board little things about the pictures so she would understand what I was trying to say. This communication – this painfully slow, trying to connect to her mind and heart communication – was exhausting and stimulating all at the same time. I have always had to be patient with her – she has been ill my whole life. She taught me to see past people’s limits. To see the person that could accomplish a feat if only given the time to work at it…a little or a lot of time and encouragement. She used to tell me that was my gift – encouragement. I think she is right, but without her I doubt I would have ever been able to utilize it fully.

So today, on my birthday I went to the nursing home to see her. This woman, who has done so much for me in ways she will never fully comprehend, did not disappoint. At one point we were sitting outside enjoying the cool Texas breeze, and I noticed her lips moving. I asked her what she was saying, and she spoke out loud “I am singing Happy Birthday Amber”. Seeing her smile and actually speak those sweet words were the best birthday present I could ask for. And I wrote that down for her to see.

I get so caught up in life – the errands, the stress, the fast pace of it all. But today, as I looked around the room at all of those old souls enjoying the sound of the piano and the company of visitors I experienced my moment. Life is short and people are all that matter. The rest is just noise.

I love you, Nana. The goodest.

Interesting story of the day...

Today I found out that two of my former colleagues were (or are still) having an affair - and yes both are married. While I always suspected they were close - I still had no idea. Either I'm...

a.) naive (strong possibility)

b.) choose to believe the best in people despite the indications otherwise

I'm going with...

c.) I didn't pay enough attention

Surely I would have seen the chemistry.

Right??

I can't be that far off. Or can I?

I pride myself on being able to read people - and maybe that's still in tact - maybe reading the situations is less of an ability for me these days. Maybe I'm distracted.

Hmmm...I guess you never know. Or maybe you do and I've never had my "Ahah!" moment. The moment where you realize this guy absolutely will not be "that kind" of jacka$$.

The chicken in me (the one that doesn't want to really open up to anyone for fear of this exact damn scenario) wanted to say very much out loud today, "I'm so glad I'm not married and this isn't happening to me". But then - the part of me that wants to fall - she held it back. If you never take the risk - you never enjoy the reward. Gotta roll the dice if you ever want to get in the game. Look at me growing - it's taken a while but I'm getting there. Baby steps.

Here's to lucky #7 - or whatever number I need to roll to be money baby! Just in case though, maybe I'll play small until I'm playing with the house's money. All I need is one good roll...

Hello out there…there…there…

It work’s better if you act like you are in the Grand Canyon and you let it echo…

I’m feeling a little goofy tonight. It has been a rough few – I mean several – weeks at work. But now, I’m finally home. At my lovely, wonderful, all purchased by my damn self suburban home (and by suburban I mean I’m surrounding by kids, married folks, and lots of haphazardly tossed bicycles, dolls and skateboards, etc.). Did I mention I’m single? Oh and I am 17 days away from 30?

I digress…after two glasses of wine I am in that wonderfully relaxed place only grape infested juicy goodness can put me in. Well, I can actually think of one other thing that can put me in the place, but we’ll leave that one alone for now. That’s not the intent of this post.

The intent – well you see – is to say, rather type, how about how great life can be if you just let it happen. Work hard, play hard, try to be the best person you can be and let the cards fall as they may. Thank God for all you’ve been blessed with and just enjoy the moment. That precious moment where it is so tempting to let your mind roam…into the land of “what if, when, what would that mean, how do I do that, will I be good at it, what if I fail?” And then when you snap back into the moment you finally realize that life is life – complicated, messy, a lot of fun, confusing, joyful, maddening, intense, boring, fresh, routine, unexpected (and all in the same day), but it’s the life you have been blessed with and by living in the future you miss out on the fun of today. So that brings me to today.

Today was like any other day. Stressful. Why – oh I don’t know – maybe it’s because I have a mortgage now, and it’s all up to me to pay the bills, or maybe it’s because work has been so incredibly draining having to be “on” all the time, that I need down time. Or sleep. Lots of sleep. Or maybe to pound the treadmill until I can’t breath anymore. Maybe it’s because it’s hard to be so present in life and just let it be moment by moment, not planning every single thing I need to do. Do you know how exhausting it is for me to wing it? I feel so alive when I wing it, but so much more vulnerable. So less ready for the unexpected. I like to plan stuff – with back up plans. Mind you I am one cool chica – I don’t freak out over little things, but I like to have my ducks lined up as I absolutely detest being wrong or anyone possessing the feeling that I don’t have my stuff together. I don’t know where I got that character flaw. Who cares – it is what it is.

I finally have so much to say. I haven’t written in so long. I think I was so busy being busy I neglected my written therapy. Therapy – something we should all do. I think I should go just go and have some clinical person declare me mentally fit to take on the world. But who I am kidding? I know I’m solid. Sometimes it’s just nice to talk about yourself. You know I feel like my friends need the break. And if you girls do – tell me to shut up and I promise to for at least 5 minutes. 

You might think this post is about a boy – and I guess to some degree there is some truth in that, but in this case he’s not the reason for my spunk. It’s that I as look back at where I’ve been, all the big things in my life that shaped the path of the road I’ve taken – I’ve realized one thing. It’s over. It’s the past. It’s not where I’m going or what is in store for me. My life is mine. I control where it goes – by working hard, making the best choices I can make given the information I have at the time, and if I need to ask for forgiveness I can – because no one is perfect – and I don’t have to be. I just have to be me – and cut me some slack. Because life can be hard enough without all the self imposed judgment and criticism I often let echo in my mind as my constant companion. Wow – I do have a lot to say, er type, tonight.

I’m coming up on big birthday (in oh 17 days) and the mere presence of this milestone has made this cool chica think a bit about where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I’m going. And I have to say, I couldn’t be more excited to wake up tomorrow morning.

Sweet dreams, and have a kick ass tomorrow!